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Magdelena Grace Vane's Journal

9th December, 2012. 12:13 pm. so far away

It's how I feel, I love where I live. Small town, close enough to a city to shop. I just live so far from people though, not that I have any "outside" friends. All my friends are SCA which isn't the problem. the problem is they all live so far away! lol. The closest anyone lives is 45 min and with two kids that is hard to manage. I love my kids, that isn't the problem either. I just have days where I feel alone. This happened to me even when I was in the US, so it comes and goes.

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29th November, 2012. 9:39 pm. safest place to rant...

I am sitting here just wasting time, I have been sick for a week and struggling to get done the few tasks a day that I can. When I finally am on the mend all my ambition is sucked away by inconsiderate people who think that I must have nothing better to do when I am sick. No, not my family. Though for a mom there are no sick days so it is harder to recover. SCA people....

I have been planning the food for the vent this coming weekend and am almost at the poit of telling people to cook it them fucking selves! though it is not the people who are actually attending the event that I am angry at , so punishing them does not do anything.

The people I am annoyed with are the 16 or so people that have canceled in the last week, let alone in the last 48 hours! I understand when someone gets sick... I get it that things come up, problem is when I know that these are things you have known about for weeks! and you decide that my time and effort is expendable, worthless and not worth caring about. Neither is the time of the event steward and those that help make an event run! To make matters worse at less than a week out you Balk at the idea of having to still pay at least a portion of the site fee with the excuse of "well I won'e be there" you are right, you won't but your numbers have been counted and in a group so small that 16 people canceling will mean a loss for the group all because of lame ass reasons that boil down to your momma didn't teach you any better or you have forgotten the lessons of courtesy that teach you to respond and communicate in a timely manner!

My time is worth more than your half assed excuses, shame on you!!!! You know what, I don't want you there. If you think that little of me and my time then fuck off!

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1st November, 2012. 7:39 pm. Been way too long

Long story short, I just haven't had time or inclination to write, but recently there have been a few things that have come up that just piss me off so much I need to vent someplace and this is teh safest place I have... so expect to hear from me soon :) likely after the weekend.

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11th July, 2011. 10:23 am. I keep forgetting

I am not supposed to have feelings or show emotion. I keep forgettiong that it is not ok for me to be angry, sad, sick or anything negative. I keep forgetting that i am supposed to be perfect in everything i do. so sorry but thank you for the reminder. just what i needed today. of all days of all subjects. does anyone have a hole? i mean really wtf!

it seems in the sca that it's fine if a guy can't sew but when a woman either can't or chooses not to it's OMG WTF is wrong with her. people don't usually say it directly but you hear it in the subtlties of the conversation.. things like:

P1 that is really nice! how long did it take you?
p2 This? Oh my husband made it. Thank you I will tell him
P1 oh?!

conversation ends person finds excuse to leave

so, ya. whe a person like me who has not sewn for ages actually breaks down and wants to sew something. to have it pulled out from under you just sucks balls!

i don't have alot of time. I afford time to my husband for his sewing cause he makes the garb for the whole family and well I can give him the time. I understand that he can not give me that time. He has a job. My job is the family. so i need to catch what ever time i can in order to make the project i have in mind. often times this leads to me just saying forget it. this time though, this time i have been working hard not to screw it all up, but i did anyway. i have been working at night often well past my "normal" bed time. Still getting up with the klids, cleaning house (what little is it is i have been able to do.) cook dinner, and in general do it all. so to say i am frustrated, hurt, sad, angry, all just is the tip and a bit of an understatement.

the day has gone like this... i wient to bed at 12:30 am meaning i was asleep about 1 if i am lucky. I woke up at 6 am cause alex was sliding . dozed til he came trundling by to go to the bathroom about 630 dozed til B got up about 645. changed her, came down stairs, alex followed. made them breakfast, sat at computer. chased B, piddled with some stuff in the kitchen.

Hubby came in at just after 8 alex wasn't dressed yet and I got dirty looks. I had lost track of time cause We got up and moving so early. So, I go all the way up and get Alex clothes. I make sure he is dressed. I ask the husband where alex's kindergarten bag is and i get a snappy answer.In the end he went and got it but... anyway. he comes in and is making something to eat. I being proud of what work i have done sit down to talk to him about it. I tell him that "last night i almost had a heart attack it seemed that the bodice i just made was too small but it's not.. " he seems interested, so i show him. what do I get.
H " It is too small!"
Me "no, look."
H "ya, it is."
Me "but, no, look."
H "ya it is (fiddles with it)."
Me "God damn it! Great now I can just throw it away. (add fuming rant in here)"
H with an attitude now " well, don't yell at me about it."
Me " I'm just mad that I have done all this work for nothing"
H with bigger attitude " You don't need to yell at me cause of it."
Me " I'm not yelling AT you. I'm just angry that it is too small and I have wasted this time effort and fabric"
H. just keeps insisting I am yelling at him so I blow!
Me " Fine, what, you can snap and bite mine or alex or B's head off when shit doesn't go right with your projects but I'm not allowed to be upset or angry when something doesn't work out on mine?"
H silence
Me silence, tears welling
H stomps off.
Me.goes to computer to write...

so, ya! then the MIL comes over looking for the husband who was supposed to talk to her about bringing his car to the mechanic and i look for him, he's not in our room or in B's she looks next door and he is asleep in Alex's room. So then I get probed about what is wrong. then she examines the garment and offers useless suggestions and won't believe me when I tell her that what is needed it for it to be completely rebuilt. Then she tries to compare the fact that "she has nothing to wear" to my situation. now i need to go and take alex to speach therapy and then go to th egrocery store, then come home and work on the oath for the Cantons and and and. so ya, I suck.

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12th June, 2011. 11:04 am. just down

I have no good words to descibe my feelings right now. it has been a along time since i have written anything and everything in my head sounds wrong. I am not a writer but for some reason lately i have the urge to write something. so here i go here and hope that this satisfies it. also i have an article idea for the ask albion brewing as well as posts for my own blog which, while i have posted to it twice i have not published the address for it anywhere because i am not sure how ready i am for that.

first me: i'm lonely, i know it's because hubby is on nights, well that is part of it. the bigger thing is i just don't feel like i fit right now. i feel like a puzzle piece that was set aside and forgotten about. i go to the puzzle just not here and not yet. i feel for some reason looked over. like i am not worth noticing. i am having a hard time with ambition and getting working on my own projects which have a time limit to them and on top of that need to be done! i don't work great with pressure and stress but it looks like that is what it will be. what all this has to do with anything is beyond me. seems this entery will be as scatterbrained as i am !

i feel like i am getting no where. my cookbook that i want to be delving more into is missing and i have no fucking clue where it went. i last had it in my house!!!! so it has to be here somewhere, right? along with no ambition for projects comes the lack of ambition to keep up with teh house. the kids. myself ect... i have a dual problem. i fi feel fine and do the work i feel like crap after, if i feel like crap i don't do teh work for fear of making myself feel worse. sigh. i have been not in pain but uncomfortable lately. i need to see my Dr , not that anything is wrong but i just need my next post surgery check up. who knew that a month later i would still feel like complete ass! ?

i need to get my life in order. it's hard to do with all the crap we have and not enough room to put it in! i am surounded by stuff that i don't have a place for and throwing it out really isn't an option either cause it is stuff we need. gah! visious cycle here we come : )
oh well, time to stop typing and maybe get something done today.

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24th April, 2011. 8:19 am. only human

here it is folks my admission, I AM A HUMAN BEING! i fuck up, i make mistakes, i word things poorly. I have no trouble actually admitting when i am wrong though. the problems come when someone else thinks you were wrong and you think you were right. what then? you become the asshole. and i am ok with that. I will not appologize for being the asshole even if the whole world does not understand. even if only 1 person understands why it was necessary.

when tact and diplomacy fail you are left with very few options. i stand by my decisions, statements and actions.

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6th March, 2011. 6:10 pm. follow the leader

A. Age: 36
B. Bed size: queen
C. Chore you hate: ironing
D. Dogs: only certain ones
E. Essential start to your day: food at some point
F. Favorite color: fire colors
G. Gold or silver: silver
H. Height: 5'2"
I. Instruments you play: none
J. Job title: Domestic engineer aka mom
K. Kids: too late
L. Live: BFE
M. Mom’s name: Liz
N. Nicknames: Maggie, i don't use any of the others any more
O. Overnight hospital stays: 4, all for kids
P. Pet peeve: Stupid people
Q. Quote from a movie: "You're Momma ever have any children that lived?"
R. Right or left handed:right
S. siblings: 1 only met her once
T. Time you wake up: too early
U. Underwear: I own them
V. Vegetables you dislike: Mushrooms
W. What makes you run late: distraction
X. X-Rays you’ve had: mostly my teeth
Y. Yummy food you make: lemon meringue pie
Z. Zoo: i've been

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6th February, 2011. 8:14 am. Beatings and hallucinations

wow has it been a long time with not much changing.

the kids grow.. and i .. well i would like to know why i have been cursed with this headache for the last just about week!!!! what did i do? why do i need to suffer? on top of that my son has no concept of the word quiet or quieter or quietly or any other derivation...

sca wise my life is coming together i have accepted an apprenticeship and will be working on my cooking.. we have been attending wuite a few events and doing much traveling .. if we survive this crown shouldn't be a problem lol!

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21st October, 2010. 11:22 am. thinks

so i had cross posted yesterdays thinks onto my Facebook. the response was incredible and amazing. i would love to actually open up a discussion forum for the topic. it seems i am very not alone in my musings and muddlings and that several other people have been where i am at. i have spoken with many people in many ways. some called some mailed some just left messages but everyone who spoke to me is important.

i don't want to say that i have made a decision or choice becuase that is not what i have done but i have set forth on a journey and where it leads we will only have to wait and see. i will add here my favorite robert frost poem:

The Road Not Taken

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Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim
Because it was grassy and wanted wear,
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I marked the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I,
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

Robert Frost

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20th October, 2010. 9:29 am. why am i angry and bitter?

I have noticed an increasing trend lately, I am angry and bitter about many things. most of them related to my hobby. I have been at this "game" for almost 20 years and where am I? nowhere. where do I want to be? I don't know but what I do know is that there are times where I am angry that it looks to me that all the wrong people are getting the chances and opportunities that I would love to have and that the few opportunities I have had have been stolen from me. at least 1 has that I know of. I think maybe if I get it out I can move on.

a long time ago someone from my area was found to have been lying about, well about everything it seems. she was lying about a relationship that didn't exist. when this came to light she was being considered to be a protégé and the pelican made it clear that she wanted her to apologize to people and for her to try and honestly make amends. while there was a vague apology with a promise of personal ones the follow through never happened on that. she was not taken on as a protégé. said pelican did in fact take on 2 others though.

more background, it seems that the pelican had started some sort of physical relationship with the potential protégé and that this relationship included a third person. when the potential and the 3rd decided to exclude her she backed out of the SCA. of course none of this was told to the 2 protégé's she had taken. I was left to figure out the pieces for myself. I am unsure if my protégé brother has any real clue as to what happened.

for about 9 months I wore my yellow belt. then I went back to my black one. in 3 years I have spoken on the phone to the pelican 3 maybe 4 times. I asked for release from fealty via e mail because I knew there was no way of getting to see her. I would have much rather done it face to face but by the time I did it, it had come to my attention I was angry and that i just needed out.

anyway, that is my opportunity stolen.

so, what do I do now? I have asked myself that, others have asked me, and my answer is I do not know. I stare down two paths and both seem dark and lonely. I look at where I had been headed and feel tired and restricted. I think I have a peer who would take me but I am unsure if that is the course I want to continue on. (although I was just paid the compliment by someone that they already thought I was a pelican! :) that felt nice).

I have a drive for the arts right now, I have something new that excites me! I would love to have someone who can guide me and help me explore this venue better. there are even people around me who could potentially do this for me. alas, here we run into problems. the one who could help the most has just taken on an apprentice and it is none other than the "potential" that I mentioned earlier. I fear to talk with said laurel for fear that if mention is made of my excitement for what I have found is shared with his apprentice that she would run out and jump on the bandwagon. if this were to happen I would be devastated and to say the least I would probably continue no course. I would simply be furniture to my husband's course. another person is someone who personality wise I just don't think we would work and all other laurel's in my area are of a different persuasion, my husband's, or don't play.

I am not really sure why I feel this way. why I need someone. actually I have several peers all around me who are my friends and help me all I want, I think what I want is that interpersonal relationship. I want to feel special, protected and loved.

hubby doesn't understand. and that makes it sort of hard to. he doesn't aspire to be, he just is. why can I not be the same way. I used to be, what happened?

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